Post a link to your paper and commence in peer review. Each student will be evaluated in terms of his or her contribution to peer review. Collectively, the group will be evaluated on two criteria:
A. the quality of the titles and abstracts submitted: 1st place 5 points; 2nd place 4 points; 3rd place 3 points; 4th place 2 points; 5th place 1 point
B. the quality of the peer reviews completed: 1st place 15 points; 2nd place 10 points; 3rd place 8 points; 4th place 4 points; 5th place 2 points
How to post a link to your paper.
1. Log into your Google account or another account that allows for cloud storage.
2. Click on Drive. (It should be in a menu near the top left corner)
3. Click on New / File Upload
4. Pick your ethnography paper and upload it
5. click share
6. click advanced
7. click 'change'
8. move it to 'anyone with link'
9. click save
10. copy the URL and paste it to this board
Above your link, you are to give your paper a title and create an abstract. Following the abstract, you should detail some of your concerns with your paper as it currently stands. Give plenty of details so as to help your group do a better job with your review. Make sure your abstract is distinctly separated from your concerns.
There is a peer review sheet available to help you review the work of your peers, but you don't have to use this peer review handout. This peer review will count for more than 20% of your overall participation grade for the course, so this is a great opportunity to shine at the end. To put it into context: as of now, there are 135 points currently available for participation. This assignment is worth 40 participation points. I am going to carefully read all of the feedback in this forum to evaluate the quality of the peer review. The team that scores the highest average will earn 1st place, second highest will get second place, and so on.
The best feedback will be specific and will be tailored to help the writer improve his or her draft.
May the best team win.
Gender Roles in Bleacher Report
ReplyDeleteThe purpose of this ethnography was to research the popular sport website of Bleacher report, as well as analyzing if gender may play a role within the community. My structure for the paper was first presenting Bleacher Report with a bit of its history, from there I introduced the question if females were treated differently in this male dominated community. After this I began to explain my methods to researching this question by analyzing threads of comments posted through a variety of articles on the site. Following this I concluded my findings and answered if a female was subjugated to being belittled on this sport site.
My biggest concern while researching was if I even looked through a fair amount of threads to arrive at my assumption on a female’s role in this community. I feel as if I may not have been too focused on the topic that I introduced. I also believe I could have used different research tools instead of just analyzing Bleacher Report and get more background knowledge from other authors relating to this topic.
Ethnography:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B4Rz1rXC756yZy1PS0FCYkZldXc/view?usp=sharing
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeletePeer Review – Sebastian Bedoya 32/50
DeleteB
You did very well to explain your point of view in your paper, and all I can say it needs is a definite section devoted to pure data results to support your conclusion more formally. Also, a brief detailing of the site itself couldn’t hurt.
1. 7/10
You have made your topic very clear – you wanted to understand how the female population of a particular website is treated when engaging in a presumably male-oriented activity – gabbing about sports. As of yet, your conclusive data is a bit vague. How is it that you discovered that the particular users you found were indeed female? Can you believe that members are keen on visiting other member’s profile pages, if applicable? If not, can it be easily seen by other members in the chat thread that a particular member is in fact a woman? A little more detail wouldn’t hurt the final draft
Also, is there any way to visually document this interaction? A ratio of male positive/negative engagement versus female positive/negative engagement to see if there really is equality between genders?
2. 5/10
It’s good to see that someone can even headedly describe the spectrum of passionate users as they discuss sports. However, are there any other notable expressions that help members to stand out as individuals, or is Bleacher Report strictly a chat board? What does the layout of the site itself look like? Say, try to briefly describe the home page of your website to someone who’s never visited it before. You say it is the second most popular sports discussion site. Does it look the part?
3. 5/10
The essay itself is fairly well organized, but an ethnography seems to have a particular method of organizing its content: Introduction, Questions, Results, and Discussion. I think providing section headers might help to consolidate just what your content is expressing and give your paper a more clean and organized look than that of a traditionally formatted essay.
INTEREST – 8/10
Well written, but relatively devoid of detail about data collection. I assume that is only the case for the fact that not all results have been found yet. With another draft comes more information, at least I hope so.
DICTION – 7/10
There really isn’t a lot of grammatical or syntax errors, and anything about the way this ethnography is worded, per se, can be fixed by making a second draft. Longhany seems to be flexible with the format for citations, but I’m not particularly certain what format your Works Cited page is in. I can’t be too harsh about it though, seeing as I’ve actually forgotten to add mine into the first draft altogether.
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeletePeer Review - Sebastian Bedoya
DeleteLetter Grade: B
You did well on explaining your topic and getting your point across. But you need more substance/meat in your essay. Grab outside sources, look into depth with how they would emphasizes on Women's Sports vs. Men's Sports. This essay can be so much more!
1. 7/10
In your essay, you're investigating on how women are treated in the the Bleacher Report community. Your topic is clear and precise, but your method of investing needs a bit more. You should look more into studies of this kind, you can also talk on how much emphasizes the writers of the community put into the Women's sports, and you can look into the comments on that side of the spectrum and compare those with the Men's sports.
2. 7/10
You did well with showing the different type of commenters in the community, but you failed to mention their location as to where they chat, is it like reddit, where the users start the topic or are they just main articles where the writers that work for the company open conversations that happen in the writing?
3. 8/10
You're essay seems well organized throughout the whole essay. You stayed focus on the main topic and answered your questions while answering your questions. The only issue is that you only looked into one part of the whole community, you should look into more and bring outside sources to strengthen your claims. By reading your essay, you make it seem that there's equality in a male-dominated community... point is, just because there aren't any commenters that are harassing every women identified commenter, doesn't make the community an equal ratio of gender. You should research more on the subject, why there aren't enough women-identified in the community, or at least why there aren't enough visibility in when it comes to women-identified fans.
INTEREST - 9/10
Well-written, and easily understandable. You need for substance, as I've said in the earlier comments, though.
DICITION - 9/10
I didn't notice any grammatical mistakes. Besides that, you would just need to fix your citations.
Peer Review – Sebastian Bedoya
DeleteOverall Grade- B
This was a good paper and was enjoyable for me to read. It was helpful that I could relate to it, considering I enjoy watching and playing sports. Taking less time to explain your process will make the paper easier for your audience to read. Higher use of diction is going to make the paper more collegiate. However, this paper was still good, and does not need too much to fix.
7/10
The central point that you proving for the audience is coming across well. However, maybe you could have stated your conclusion about the lack of inequality earlier and explained how you felt about it more, instead of taking the whole paper to explain your process. You still did a good job of delivering your central point though.
7/10
I felt that the details you provided did not help your point come across as much as you would have preferred. The background information that you provided your audience with was good, and helped you, but maybe you could have provided more details on why you figured there would be gender roles in the Bleacher Report.
10/10
I thought the organization and flow of your essay was great. You did a great job of providing your point of view, stating your process of research, and concluding what you found. Great job!
9/10
I enjoy to play and watch sports, just as you said in the beginning of the paper so the statistics that you provided were interesting for me to learn about. You did a good job of bringing your opinions to your paper. When a paper has a monotonous tone to it, there is not much interest from the reader, but because you did research on something that interested you, I feel that your audience would be interested because of the way that you wrote your paper.
8/10
The diction and grammar that you used during the essay was good, but u feel that you could use a more collegiate sense of diction throughout the paper. The grammar that you provided was definitely not weak, but I felt it could be stronger. On the last sentence of your second paragraph, you should add a comma between “out” and “and”. Simple fixes such as this will give your paper a more collegiate feel to it and make it even better. Good job so far though!
Peer Review – Sebastian Bedoya
DeleteOverall Grade- B
This was a good paper and was enjoyable for me to read. It was helpful that I could relate to it, considering I enjoy watching and playing sports. Taking less time to explain your process will make the paper easier for your audience to read. Higher use of diction is going to make the paper more collegiate. However, this paper was still good, and does not need too much to fix.
7/10
The central point that you proving for the audience is coming across well. However, maybe you could have stated your conclusion about the lack of inequality earlier and explained how you felt about it more, instead of taking the whole paper to explain your process. You still did a good job of delivering your central point though.
7/10
I felt that the details you provided did not help your point come across as much as you would have preferred. The background information that you provided your audience with was good, and helped you, but maybe you could have provided more details on why you figured there would be gender roles in the Bleacher Report.
10/10
I thought the organization and flow of your essay was great. You did a great job of providing your point of view, stating your process of research, and concluding what you found. Great job!
9/10
I enjoy to play and watch sports, just as you said in the beginning of the paper so the statistics that you provided were interesting for me to learn about. You did a good job of bringing your opinions to your paper. When a paper has a monotonous tone to it, there is not much interest from the reader, but because you did research on something that interested you, I feel that your audience would be interested because of the way that you wrote your paper.
8/10
The diction and grammar that you used during the essay was good, but u feel that you could use a more collegiate sense of diction throughout the paper. The grammar that you provided was definitely not weak, but I felt it could be stronger. On the last sentence of your second paragraph, you should add a comma between “out” and “and”. Simple fixes such as this will give your paper a more collegiate feel to it and make it even better. Good job so far though!
Peer Review- Sebastian Bedoya
Delete1. 7/10
Throughout reading this paper, I was able to clearly see the main purpose. You even included the question: "What happens in this community when a woman wants to join in on a debate or wants to voice her opinion on any presented subject?" By asking this, you have established a clear direction of your paper and what you will be investigating. I suggest that you go into more detail with your research by giving more specific examples and also using other sources to back up your conclusion.
2. 6/10
You did a good job of describing what Bleacher Report is and what the main focus is, but there are still some missing details. You could explain the communication aspect of the community more like exactly how to contact someone and how does language within this community differ from everyone else’s.
3. 8/10
This paper had a solid organization. It started with background information on the online community then transitioned into the main focus with a question. Although I feel as if the organization of this paper is already good, section heading titles could work even better. Some of the transitions from paragraph to paragraph could use a little revision.
INTEREST- 8/10
Because of my interest in sports, I found this ethnography to be interesting. Your essay did not put me to sleep by telling me facts but it did a good job of analyzing and staying with the main point.
DICTION- 8/10
This looked like a college level paper. Some words of course could be replaced to make it sound more upper level. There are some points in the paper where repetition is used which could be fixed. Also the citations need to be fixed.
PsychForums - Another Sensationalist Social Media Site?
ReplyDeleteThe intentions of this paper are to not only analyze the interactions and activities of PsychForums, and online forum database based on disorder support and inquiry, but to develop a probable cause to the fluctuation of replies and views particular individuals post to their particular forum of interest. Put more simply, I plan to answer the following questions: "What causes some users to gather so much more attention than others? Is it the 'shock value' of the content some users post, taking the emotional sensitivity and/or easily triggered members of the site into account, or are the higher "stats" among certain members simply the result of the standard social media pecking order adhering to a less commercialized social media site?" The means for finding an answer are a blend of mass data collection and individual member inspection. Trends that may be found among members to which many others tend to respond (regardless as to whether or not they are positive or negative) will be noted.
I think what the issue is with my first draft is chiefly the massive amount of data that I do have. I find it difficult to know what to look into and what I can do without. I believe the best way to do this is to consolidate my trend finding to a small group of low response individuals and those with many responses from others. Comparing the typical content these users post, as well as the specific topic in question, may reveal a pattern without the messy, eye straining chart I have provided thus far.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GbYuYwNZddpex5oWoSJhBdTo5RMo5nRzYcBX0g4BWm8/edit?usp=sharing
1. 10/10
DeleteYou made your topic extremely clear and easy to understand; you wanted to research the way that users respond to a variety of different postings and if they took into consideration the level of emotions of others. For your data and research methods you did a great job at presenting the growth of either responses or views as days progressed. I find interesting how you were able to provide a sampling method as well as showing the topics that you reviewed and ranging from a wide variety of illnesses and disorders discussed throughout the forum.
2. 10/10
The details presented throughout this ethnography correlated well with what you presented in the questions that you wanted to research. The different graphs that were displayed were enormously helpful in being able to understand what you were researching and how the users respond to all the distinctive topics that arise from this community. There was an equal amount of details explained on the topic and the visuals as well as explaining the role that moderators play in this community so that every user follows the proper etiquette and the consequences that arise from not following these guidelines.
3. 10/10
The essay is very well organized with a correct use of headings. You went from introducing PsychForums and explaining the goals of the community and discussions/postings that are presented and the way users respond to them. I very much enjoyed the way that your data was presented, not just only in one chart with a chunk of information but separated into multiple charts and graphs to easily display every detail you researched.
Interest - 9/10
Written very effective with a great amount of detail and visuals to make the ethnography transitions move very smooth and clearly. Interesting as to how people respond to what others discuss even when it comes to their own disorders; from either being sympathetic to not even caring to what others are facing.
Diction – 10/10
Well use of grammar with little to even no mistakes throughout the paper, a great ethnography with the research methods being very effective in answering the questions that were presented. In honest opinion this first draft was great and I believe that there doesn’t have to be much added to deliver what you looking to answer.
Peer Review- Autumn Hicks
Delete1. 10/10
The purpose of this paper was very clear and I was able to easily see the direction in which it was headed. You clearly stated the main point which is “Whether or not this community is composed of individuals who live on a similar online social plane, or if instances of online discourse communities with such emotionally centered materials as the basis of discussion are still likely to contain a sort of social hierarchy.” You collected a vast amount of data and used it to effectively analyze the community.
2. 10/10
You gave everything there is to know about the online community and how it functions. You even gave a visual by using the graph comparing replies and posts per day which made it clear. This essay gave precise evidence through research while at the same time not leaving out any details on the community.
3. 9/10
The use of headings in this essay organized it very well. This should be an example for all ethnographies. If I had to critique one thing, I would say to have better transitions from paragraph to paragraph.
INTEREST- 8/10
It was very well written, but personally the large amount of research threw me off. The ethnography as a whole made sense and gave me a clear path for me to keep interested.
DICTION- I did not spot a single grammatical error. This ethnography is a very well written first draft with little mistakes.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteGender Roles in League of Legends Gaming Community
ReplyDeleteThe purpose of this ethnography was to research the gaming community in League of Legends, who are known for having a huge male demographic, and its gender representation and treatment. My structure for the paper was first explaining what type of game League of Legends is, from there I spoke about the anonymity this community gives you and how female players can thrive from that, but then I spoke about the issue women face while playing with "feminine" usernames. After this I gave statistics from the game itself and raised the question if it ties into why female players are given a stigma. In conclusion, my findings gave an open window to the idea that if media, as a whole, had less sexualization and more representation, women would get treated as human beings rather than objects.
One big issue I have with my draft, would be insight. I plan on using a method where I'll be asking a series of open-ended questions to female game players and analyze their responses. I also plan on creating a very "feminine" username and see how most players react to my presence, as well as analyze their reactions.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B8LADxfWZZFkV3VpV2gwUldMZmc/view?usp=sharing
This comment has been removed by the author.
Delete1. 9/10
DeleteI like how you begin by explaining what League of Legends is and how the community is shaped and the goals of a user that is a part of it. You explained the rules of LoL and what you can and can’t do in this gaming community. I enjoy that you dove right into the problem this community is facing in terms of being a female. This paper was worth reading because of how you analyzed the community and the facts you presented, especially bringing in the views of a gaming analyst as well. I believe that the only thing to be added to this piece is just headings to separate your introduction, the problem you presented, and your methods for researching as well.
2. 7/10
You explained very well your findings on the percentage of users that are male and female in the community and how females are viewed and treated whenever they play online. Bringing in examples of champions from LoL and the way they create their character shows that not ever female has to be displayed the same way or how they should look according to the media as you mentioned. You might want to explain your findings visually to display them a bit more clearly, as I have to do the same with my paper.
3. 8/10
The paper is well organized with each paragraph moving smoothly to the next idea, from explaining the goals of this community to then presented the problem that females face on here. You might want to add the headings just to show where you begin your argument and maybe ways on how this problem can be fixed.
Interest – 10/10
This piece was most effective when you began to explain some of the statistics that surround LoL as well as getting the perspective of how a gaming analyst saw this community. The ending paragraph also helped by using the way media makes us view the world in a different way especially how woman should be represented anywhere.
Diction – 10/10
You were very clear on what you were researching and being able to effectively present your findings with no grammar errors and a good use of college vocabulary. At the end you cited your work well and properly, throughout it all this ethnography was very well written and you displayed your study successfully to understand your goal to the end.
Peer Review - Shaene Bello 35/50
DeleteA
The best paper of the three I’ve read. Very interesting and clear with the discussion at hand. A collective section of results may not be a bad idea to add, but that’s just a suggestion
1. 8/10
You are certainly not being subtle when posing your argument! I appreciate how thorough you are with means of research, and can only imagine things getting better from here. Not sure what else I could suggest other than putting the essay in its entirety into the specific format for the assignment, and add numerical results from your observations if applicable.
2. 5/10
You get this score for the concerns mentioned above. While you do very well with explaining, in layman's terms, the results from your observations, a chart, a graph, or anything visually expressing purely results may solidify the claims you make in your essay.
3. 7/10
This essay is well organized. However, the peer review and what Longhany has expressed in class is telling me this paper has a particular format, points in the essay where the results, conclusive statements, etc. are put under "sections" with tangible heading titles. If I'm misconstruing a need for a particular format, then there isn't anything about organization that a second draft is unable to fix.
INTEREST - 8/10
Given the opportunity, I would actually like to see a final draft of your paper. This is not only due to the fact that I am a horrendous nerd, but to your ability to express your side of your intended argument with little to no bias, assuming you are a gamer yourself.
DICTION - 7/10
As a fellow college student writer, I seriously recommend avoiding the use of "you" and its various tenses, unless used within quotations, such as at the top of the second page of your draft. Typically, using "you" isn't a big deal to me either, but as a paper that focuses so much on documented research and sources, it just seems to demand and air of formality that directly addressing the reader tends to null. As for sources, I have failed to add my reference page to the end of my draft, and I do have a few sources! Therefore, anything that I would have to say about your reference page would come off as hypocritical, wouldn't it?
Peer Review - Shaene Bello
DeleteOverall Grade- A
This paper did a great job of getting your point across to the audience and was very enjoyable for me to read. The use of diction that you used was very high and overall your paper was a great Ethnography paper.
9/10
I felt that you did a great job of delivering your central point to your audience. It was obvious that you were trying to spread awareness of sexism within the gaming industry, not only with League of Legends. I can tell through this paper that you feel very passionate about sexism through our culture, and it was a great idea for you to relate this through something that you are passionate about. Sometimes, however maybe you could ease your views to the audience a little less harshly.
10/10
I felt that you did a great job of using details throughout paper. I enjoyed the extraneous facts that you provided, such as the percentages of gender representations in League of Legends. I also liked how you provided actual examples of female gamers who use their sex to their advantage which portrays women as objects. This subject is a very sensitive one, and you did a good job of providing details to help your point of view.
8/10
The organization of the paper overall was very smooth and had a decent flow to it. I felt that you did a good job of keeping the audience engaged in what you were presenting. However, maybe with the statistics that you mentioned with the analyst, you could have included that information in another paragraph so it does not catch the audience off guard.
9/10
Your paper was very interesting for me to read and I normally do not like League of Legends particularly, simply because it is not my type of game that I would prefer to play. However, when you brought in the controversial topic of female gamers, it made the game more interesting to learn about, and I feel that almost any audience member would enjoy this paper.
9/10
You did a good job of using your diction, and there was a collegiate level of syntax within the paper. Sometimes, you mix up your words, such as in the last paragraph you say Legend of Leagues instead of League of Legends. Be careful with the simple mistakes, and our paper will benefit from this.
Communication in Bodybuilding
ReplyDeleteThis essay was intended to both go in depth about fitness and the huge community that it has attracted, and the communication that Bodybuilding.com has within it. When people think of a website dedicated simply to bodybuilding, they most likely would just think the members are posting shirtless pictures of themselves. But this is a very incorrect assumption, and it was my goal to prove so. The paper begins with me explaining how this area of research pertains to me personally. After this, I explain some areas of fitness in general to inform the audience of some background to the idea of the paper. I finish the essay by analyzing two different ways of effective communication that occurs within the online discourse community. Overall, the goal of the paper was to show that there are many ways of communication within the vast population of bodybuilding and analyze how it is truly effective to all it's members.
As with any paper that I have written, there are concerns of my own that I would eventually like to address to better my paper and writing in general. With My Ethnography, a major concern of mine was whether or not to include more examples of communication that occurs within Bodybuilding.com. I was able to give a few examples and elaborate, but I could have possibly elaborated even more. another concern of mine pertaining to this paper was that I could have wrote more about the actual discourse community instead how it related to me, because a reader might not be as interested as personal anecdotes rather than the information about the community. I felt that I did a decent job of getting my main point across to the audience, yet maybe I could have done a better job, and made the essay more enjoyable to read.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B1GQ37JucjCQZmpSV3gtTEprWm8/view?usp=sharing
1. 6/10
DeleteThe central theme of this research comes from your own personal experience of wanting to win the bet with your mother to it actually becoming a part of your daily routine. You then continue to give some background information on bodybuilding.com and the goals of the community. From there you go on to explain how users on here communicate with one another and the large amount of threads that could be found on the site which shows just how many people are looking to improve their own health. Even though you analyzed a few of the threads you could have given more examples of what you found and maybe explained the different methods in which they communicated. You may want to also present if there are any problems surrounding this community and elaborate on your findings from there.
2. 5/10
When explaining your findings, you are telling more instead of showing what you found on the site. You may want to show statistics, data, and graphs, maybe show how much certain users comment on particular topics that are presented in the community section tab you described. The details you used on how the site was able to personally benefit you was helpful in showing how the constructive criticism is able to assist those that are wanting to get in shape.
3. 8/10
The essay is well written and organized, you go from introducing how you relate to the community and how you benefited from being a part of it. As well as giving a bit of insight as to what one does when they are in this group and how it helps them to meet their personal goals. Paragraphs flow smoothly and is easy to understand, you may want to add headings to the paper; introduction, questions for the community, conclusion from the data you collected.
Interest – 8/10
I believe that the paper was most effective when you began to elaborate what the threads contained and what the users would speak about, from there you stated how this related to you and your own goals. You may want to change your conclusion and not make it about what you achieved but maybe how others have achieved their goals by being a part of this community.
Diction- 8/10
There were a few errors on grammar but nothing big just go over the paper and you’ll find them. A good use of higher level language in your ethnography. The only other thing to add to this is a reference/citation page for bodybuilding.com and to correct the formatting to MLA style.
Peer Review - Carson Griego
DeleteGrade Letter: C
Your essay needs more of a clear direction. Move you focus more on the community and the dynamics of it and find issues or notable differences with it and other body building communities.
1. 7/10
Your introduction was a little bit confusing because I didn't understand the main topic or what your online discourse community was mainly about but once you got to it, it made more sense. I suggest focusing more on the community rather than your own achievements. Look into the community forums, do they share personal achievements as well? Is it a safe and welcoming community or do they tear each other down? Focus more on the dynamics of the community.
2. 5/10
You lack details on your community, analyze and focus more on that and look for problems or notable attributes in the community itself, or if theres a hierarchy within the community.
3. 6/10
The essay is well-written but it needs more of a clear direction for it feel more organized.
INTEREST - 4/10
This essay was mainly focus on your achievements, good for you but I couldn't care less on it. Focus more on the community and it's structure of it.
DICTION - 8/10
Although this essay needs more of a clear direction, it's well-written and I haven't found any grammatical or syntax errors. You are also missing a citations page.
Peer review- Carson Griego
Delete1. 6/10
I’m not sure I understand what the main point of this ethnography is. You talk about what you do personally, but not so much analyzing the community. I suggest that instead of talking so much about your own personal experiences, look more into the community. Do some research and find specific examples of ways that the community functions and communicates.
2. 6/10
You are more telling than showing. Do research to provide evidence on a specific topic you choose within the community. Don’t explain as much as to what the community is but to why the community exists.
3. 8/10
This essay was organized fairly well. You had a good introduction as well as conclusion. There just needs to be more of a point. Transitions from paragraphs were good as it kept the flow going.
INTERESTING- 9/10
As someone who cares about being healthy and physical fitness, I enjoyed reading this paper. Some advice would be to not focus on yourself as much as maybe focusing on others within the community and giving examples of them.
DICTION- This essay was well written, but I believe that there could be more college-level word choice. Other than that I did not see many grammatical errors. Also add a citation page.
Persuasion within Fantasy Football
ReplyDeleteIn writing this ethnography, I had investigated the fantasy football community I am in and analyzed the different persuasive techniques used. The way I went about writing it was first giving some background information on the history of fantasy football. Then I went into the "meat" of my paper explaining the different persuasive techniques I had researched such as trading, player projections, and experts' analyses. I tied it together with comparing how managing a fantasy football team is similar to managing an actual NFL team due to the same persuasive techniques being in effect. The main point of this essay is to analyze and provide evidence of persuasive techniques used in fantasy football.
My main focus on this draft should be tying it all together more effectively to deliver a point. A concern for me is that this essay is lacking a clear message. Also I feel as if more examples of my personal experience with fantasy football should be included. This essay needs a stronger finish to tie all the evidence together.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B-Dp4u1Kko6sZ3J6aGxGMEI1SDQ/view?usp=sharing
Peer Review – Jason Thompson 28/50
DeleteC
While well written and an interesting read, this paper is a little behind the other two I’ve reviewed for the sole fact that it was the only one that did not have a clear topic.
1. 5/10
Oh dear. I’m seeing something more akin to a persuasive essay than an analysis of the community as a whole. It’s ironic, seeing as you’ve brought up the significance of persuasion throughout the act of participating in these online leagues. Your topic is clear, and everything about what it means to participate in fantasy football is addressed, but that’s about it. Your personal experience with the community gives you ample opportunity to find some aspect of the site to analyze. Are winners of fantasy leagues awarded with notoriety on the site? If so, is there a sort of hierarchy you could investigate among users who consistently do well or just the opposite? What is the major demographic for this site? Would it be others like yourself, or do you see other demographics on the site, such as much older individuals, casual sports followers, and females? How do they fit in on this site? Are they easy or difficult to find? Are they treated differently or not? One of these questions, or perhaps another, could lead you a more definite direction with this ethnography.
2. 2/10
Since there is nothing about this site being addressed but your experience with it, your paper does nothing but tell. Show me, as well as other readers, what you have seen from the community as a whole, as well as the act of creating and curating your own league.
3. 7/10
This paper is well organized, despite not having a clear direction. As you find a clear topic to discuss, be sure to keep clear distinction between results of research and other aspects of the ethnography project.
INTEREST – 7/10
Despite lacking a definite direction in your paper, reading about how fantasy leaguing (if that’s even the term for it) works was made more interesting than anticipated.
DICTION – 7/10
From a more discriminating perspective, the tone for your draft is a bit repetitive. Reading the introduction aloud definitely amplifies this. However, I trust this is something that is easily remedied whilst defining a direction with your paper.
Peer Review - Jason Thompson
DeleteGrade Letter: C
Although your essay lacks direction, it's a very interesting topic. Write more detail in how fantasy football dynamics work, rise some questions, use some outside source.
1. 5/10
Besides writing on the dynamics in fantasy football, I don't really see a clear topic in this essay. You did a good job on describing the how everyone deals with fantasy football, but you should put more focus on the online aspect of it rather than your personal experience, although being an avid player in the community gives you a good insight.
2. 5/10
As a person who knows slim to nothing about sports, either fantasy or IRL, you should put more detail into how the whole "fantasy football" and how they work, if you have to have friends to join a league, or can you bet with people online? Like Autumn mention in her peer review, are there notable winners? What does the site provide when it comes to everyone's league?
3. 5/10
Your essay has well-organize, although I would put more thought into your topic and have a better sense of direction when writing it.
INTEREST - 7/10
Although you don't have a clear direction in your paper, your topic is interesting.
DICTION - 7/10
I didn't see any grammatical errors, although I would put into mind as to who your audience is, and I'd not use the word "squad up" when you mean meeting up, other people might not understand that term analogy.
Peer Review – Jason Thompson
DeleteOverall Paper- C
This paper is well on its way to becoming a successful ethnography, and paying attention to the fixes that I suggested will help this. Including more details, better use of language, and getting rid of the smaller paragraphs will make the paper better. This was a good start, but the capability that is shown proves that it could be better.
7/10
You did a good job of giving examples of different scenarios that a member of fantasy football faces throughout the season. I felt that you did a decent job of getting the overall central theme to your audience. I’m assuming that wanted the audience to know some background information on fantasy football in general. The only criticism that I would give you and recommend would be that the essay in general is a little too broad and maybe you could go into more detail with your essay.
7/10
As I mentioned before, the essay in general is a little too broad. You have a few smaller intersecting paragraphs that do not have much detail in them, so maybe you could transition with those and include them in the rest of the paragraphs. You mention throughout the essay how you take part in fantasy football and how it relates to you, and that was good. I just think that you could take it too the next level with detail.
8/10
The flow of the paper as a whole was smooth. The organization that you did showed clearly and the audience would not get off track too easily. But, the small paragraphs that you included stray off sometimes and I feel that to help fix the organization, you could bring the information from the smaller paragraphs into the larger body paragraphs.
9/10
I am a fan and member of fantasy football so this essay is very relatable to me. I feel that you did a good job of explaining to your audience different situations that occur in the world of fantasy football. This was a very interesting essay for me to read and critique. Towards the end of the essay, I felt that you were trying to finish it quickly. The beginning of the essay was more interesting for me to read because you provided facts along with your opinions. So, if you did this with the rest of your essay, it would be really interesting to read.
6/10
The diction and grammar that you used throughout the essay was not at the level that I am sure you could perform with. Sometimes you used diction that could be at a collegiate level. In the second paragraph you mention how you and your friends “Squad up”. This is used in everyday language, and I feel that it is not appropriate for a college paper. If you used a higher level of language and communication in your paper, it would definitely be a lot better.
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